Okay its like. I know I am experiencing textbook depression symptoms and pessimism. The delusional limerance I was in for just under a year caused me to break up with my boyfriend. I thought my coworker and I were secretly in love and that once we were together, we would make music that would heal the world, or all those who listened to it. I promise I’m not crazy, and the divine universal love that descended upon me for that man was the most truthful, pure thing i’ve ever felt, by a mile. He and I share more personality traits, hobbies, and vernacular than what seems feasibly possible. I was born with blue eyes, never in my life had i understood why blue eyes were seen as such an emphasis of beauty, but I did after looking into his. I genuinely thought these things and felt them so viscerally, to such a pervasive magnitude that I seriously question to this day how I hid it so well. It was May 2023, and I had thought he and his girlfriend were doomed for months at this point. My desire to make music and be a singer resurfaced, probably fueled by his pursuit of the same thing. *Childhood savior/healing fantasy unlocked*
By the Fall equinox, I was fully enmeshed with learning about spirituality, esotericism, the occult, and ancient mystique teachings on my laptop. I spent hours each day. I believed heart and soul, that we were twin flames. I began to see my fundamental belief system clashed with my current partner, and used it as the justification for why we wouldn’t work out in the long run. By November 1, 2023, my coworker actually did break up with his girlfriend. I erroneously accepted this news as the validation for my premonition and felt compelled by the universe that it was “my turn” and so turn I did on the man I called mine for the past two years of my life. I didn’t feel an ounce of remorse until six months later. In the mean time, the day following the breakup, my roommates told me they both were moving back home into their parents’ houses by the end of the year, meaning I would most likely be moving back in with my mother.
Now, moving back in with my mom was my worst-case-scenario, but I still did not feel a thing, the limerence for my coworker and our fantasy future was releasing amount of serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine that one suffering from depression could only dream of and was, again by miles, the best drug i’ve ever had. December 10th I confessed my attraction and December 11th he told me he couldn’t do anything serious. December 18 I graduated college with a Bachelor of Science in Marketing. December 30th I was not wearing a thing in his bed. These secret hookup sessions happened approximately 16 times (with my notes app log I was keeping) before I eventually had to end things. It became much too painful to be his secret. I couldn’t subject myself to it anymore.
Then came the repressed and suppressed grief for ending things with my ex.
“How could I have been so stupid?” I thought, “..for dreaming so vividly and accepting the visceral sensation of universal love in to my being?” Silly me, this is why we don’t take risks. I could go on endlessly about the ways I mentally and sub-vocally degraded and shamed myself for being so foolishly inaccurate about this romantic ideation, but it’s unnecessary. I lost total self-trust, self-esteem, and confidence.
Subconsciously believing I should be punished for making such a grave mistake, I began to see having to live with my mom again as such. I had just graduated college and began what as been an arduous struggle to find a legitimate entry-level marketing job that is not direct sales. This journey still persists. In a total walking back of my limerent fantasies, I somewhat repaired my relationship with my ex, pleading mental insanity, explaining that I experienced what must have been spiritual psychosis. Part of me suspects that could be the case, but my inner child big heart and imaginative mind still feel hope that I could have been right, that I could be saved by our mutual realization of purpose.
My fear, or what is perhaps justified rationality took control. No one has cared for me as much as my ex, and to give that away would be downright bad judgement. I couldn't take any more blows to the ability of my judgement, and so I did what I knew would be safe.
It is January of 2025 and I feel almost paralyzed trying to decide what to do next. I am haunted by my coworker and my mother. I need to get it together and get a job that pays me enough to move out, but I cannot seem to feel any point to it. I need to regain my light and my strength, but for the life of me, I feel extinguished.
What would you recommend?
By - 420magickitten
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